


But baby we were cataclysmic

by Princessstylinson



Series: Cataclysmic [1]
Category: One Direction
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Fluff, Lots of Angst, M/M, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, first work on here, no judging, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:17:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessstylinson/pseuds/Princessstylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis kneeled down, and kissed his lips slowly and languidly. He traced his fingers down his jaw, memorizing memorizing. Harry placed his hand on Louis' heart, feeling it, living for it. Louis' point was clear, he was putting all his feelings into this kiss. The last kiss. He whispered "I love you" into his mouth, breathing it down his throat. Sinking it into his chest. Then Louis stood up, and closed his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But baby we were cataclysmic

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first FIC on here so please don't judge me.... 
> 
> so this is NOT done there will another part. 
> 
> it gets better at the end so just trek through it
> 
> I haven't edited this yet so if there any mistakes please ignore them

+

"Harry?" Louis called out from the kitchen, searching for his boyfriend. A tumbling noise came from upstairs, as a certain green eyed boy appeared in the doorway out of breath. Louis' face broke out into a toothy grin, resulting in a big 'ole dimple smile from his partner.

"Are you gonna give me a kiss?"

Louis fake pouted, purposely jutting out his lower lip. Harry just smirked, as he sauntered over to the fridge to get some orange juice.

"A little needy today, are we?" Harry couldn't help but smile as he poured his orange juice. Louis looked at him with his blue, puppy dog eyes. Harry found himself drowning in those pools. Shook out of his trance, Harry circles around the island in their kitchen.

"I think I might just have to kiss you." Harry pinned his boyfriend up against the counter. Earning a look of helplessness from the older, yet shorter boy.

Harry pressed their pink lips together. As they moved in sync, Harry couldn't help but realize how much they fit to together like puzzle pieces. Louis jumped up with a small huff, not breaking the kiss, and wrapped his legs around Harry's torso, Harry placed his hands right below Louis' bum to support his very light weight.

Louis placed his hands on Harry's face and pulled them impossibly closer together. Licking Harry's bottom lip, asking for entrance. Harry bit his tongue and smirked through the kiss

A knock on the door interrupted their steamy moment.

"Hey, guys. Before I open this door, can you reassure me that my eyes will not be blinded?" An Irish accent came from behind their barrier at the moment. Awkwardly, they pulled out of their entanglement

"Yeah, come on in!" Harry yelled from his new seat at the counter, legs dangling.

"Hiya!" Niall greeted enthusiastically.

"We have to leave, lovebirds." Zayn chuckled, motioning for them to move.

~~

"So the fans wanted me to ask about the infamous Larry Stylinson?" Kara, the interviewer questioned, neatly stacking her cards on the table.

"Well, I guess people never know what goes on behind closed doors." Louis smirked, glancing quickly over at Harry to find him smiling widely.

"Moving on, how about relationship status?" She smiled

"Single" Niall winked

"Taken by the lovely Perrie. Buy her band's album DNA!"

"Single" Liam smiled

"Ah, In a relationship with Miss. Eleanor Calder." Louis glanced over at Harry, who was biting his lip and nodding.

He hated this. Hated that he had to lie everyday, hated that he had to hide who he really loved.

"Okay, so how's the new album coming along? I heard there might be a single in the near future."

+

After the interview, they all piled into the van. Liam, Zayn, and Niall up front, Harry and Louis alone in the back.

Louis was day dreaming as he glanced out the window- trees and buildings passing in a blur. He looked over at Harry to see him with a frown etched on his face.

"Hey, baby, what's wrong?" Louis placed his hands atop of Harry's, turning his attention to him.

"N-nothing." Harry stuttered as he bit his lip, hard.

"Princess, you know I can see right through your lies." Louis sighed, unbuckling his seat belt and scooting closing to Harry.

Harry let his head loll to Louis' shoulder, nuzzling his face into his warm neck.

"It's just- I'm so tired of lying you know? Why can't we just be happy?"

"I don't know sweetheart, but hey- hey! No tears, c'mon we've been doing this for two years" Louis wiped his thumb over his boyfriend's wet eyes.

"I love you, okay? Nothing's ever gonna change that, baby." Louis kissed his lips, reassuring him that he did love him.

'Nothing's gonna change that'  
+

'"Lovers, this is your stop!" Louis shook awake. He reluctantly moved his face from Harry's curls.

"Thanks, Paul." Louis smiled, poking Harry's cheek to awaken him, as he tumbled out of the back seat.

They wandered up the apartment building until they were safe and alone in the elevator. Louis smirked and turned to his boyfriend.

He pinned him against the wall and roughly slammed their lips together. Harry made a noise somewhere between a 'Mmph' and a moan.

Harry placed his large hands over Louis bum, squeezing it. Louis groaned and rolled his hips down, rubbing their crotches together.

Harry bit Louis' lip, and Louis obliged by opening his mouth, their tongues found each others almost instantly.

Louis started to unintentionally grind their hips together, causing friction between the two of them.

A soft 'ding' interrupted them.

"So, this is our floor." Harry breathed heavily onto Louis' lips, hands still around his bum.

"Yeah." Louis untangled their limbs. They both laughed and walked out of the elevator, clothes only slightly wrinkled.

+

Louis smiled as Harry’s large hand moved to stroke over the back of his smaller one, which was resting on the couch pillow between them. He flipped his palm over to entwine their fingers, making Harry smile and look away from the tv to glance at Louis. Louis returned the smile warmly.

"You’re my baby.” Harry whispered with a smile. His thumb stroked the back of Louis’ hand locked with his own and his free hand moved up to ghost along Louis’ jawline. Harry ran his finger to Louis’ chin and tilted it up before leaning down to lock their lips together for a quick kiss.

"A little obsessed with my lips today." Louis hummed

"And every other day." Harry smiled down at him, "They're just so cute and kissable."

"You're so weird." Louis laughed as he got off the couch to grab a movie.

"Now, what are we gonna watch?"

+

"Harry? Are you awake?" Louis whispered. His boyfriend nodded.

"..can I ask you a question?"  
Harry murmured into his pillow in response.

"Do you ever,.... do you ever think it might just - I don't know, be easier if we - weren't, you know, dating?" Louis stuttered. Harry was suddenly very awake, and shot up like a bullet.

"Are you saying you want to break up?" Harry asked softly, eyes losing their usual sparkle.

Louis closes his eyes, as the moon washes him out in silver.

"Baby, Haz, I love you, okay? I just, look never mind. We need to have this conversation another time." Louis turned on his side, facing away from  
Harry.

"Now seems like a perfectly good time. How long have you been feeling  
this way?" Harry flipped Louis back over.

Louis watches, but his face says nothing.

"Is it because of Taylor? I can stop seeing her, you know she's just a good friend right?" Harry ran his hand over Louis' soft cheek.

The rain falls down outside and even through the roof and the bricks of the house, Harry can feel it. Louis closes his eyes, and Harry’s annoyed at that because he wants Louis to at least talk him or something, not go to sleep.

"Louis please." Harry begged.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore! Go to sleep." Louis snapped harshly. Rolling to his side of the bed, making a large amount of space between them.

Harry laid awake for a hours before actually drifting off, he just didn't understand.

Why did Louis bring that up if he didn't want to talk about it?

+

Everything is soft and hazy, bedroom like a backyard fire.

Harry sauntered downstairs, starting the kettle and popping some bread in the toaster.

He was still confused by the subject that had been brought up last night. Was Louis unhappy with their relationship?

It's not like he meant to fall in love, it just sorta happened. As soon as that beautiful boy walked into the bathroom he could feel his stomach fill with those dumb butterflies. He tried to leave but with the luck he had, bumped right into that boy.

"Oops!"

"Hi."

Two words seemed to of changed his life for what he thought was the better.

"Hey Hazza, why the pouty face?" Louis picked up his mug

"Just thinking, morning babe" Harry got up to peck his boyfriends cheek.

Louis frowned, but turned his face to attach his lips to Harry's.

"Babe if this is about what I said last night-" Louis started.

"No, you know, Louis just drop it." Harry sighed, setting his mug down and going back upstairs.

Louis sat there at the creamy counter, confused as to what just went down.

+

"Hey Louis, can we, um, can we talk?" Harry fiddled with his thumbs, staring at his lap.

"Harry, we have to leave for the interview in like 5 minutes" Louis sighed from the kitchen door way.

"Please Lou, it's important." Harry pleaded.

"Are you breaking up with me?" Louis hesitantly sat down.

"What? No! No." Harry reassured quickly. Intertwining their hands, Harry looked up at Louis' face. He look worried, there were creases in his forehead, and his smile had disapeared.

"Um. Lou, are you unhappy with this relationship?"

"Unhappy? Why would you think that-"

"Because of what you said last night." Harry cut off his boyfriend

"Harry forget about what I said last night-"

"I can't forget that you basically asked if I thought it was cool to break up."

"Harry I didn't mean-"

"I think you did Lou." Harry stared at his boyfriend, looking straight into his pretty blue eyes.

"I was just suggesting -"

"Suggesting we break up." Harry deadpanned

"Yeah, well maybe we should." Louis got up and slammed the burgundy door shut, shaking their glass coffee table in front of Harry.

Harry leaned back against the couch and rubbed his forehead.

What has he done?

+

Somewhere around an hour later Harry's phone buzzed on their side table next to the cream couch.

1 New message: Lou ❥

'Hi Haz, I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean what I said. I feel bad about it, can I make it up with some strawberry milkshakes from Mel's? Open the door.'

A puzzled expression etched on his face, Harry got up to open the door. With his baggy sweats being a little too long, they tripped him like untied shoelaces.

He wrapped his slender fingers over the cool door knob. He hesitated slightly before jerking the door open.

An innocent looking Louis appeared in sight. He had two pink milkshakes occupying his hands. He was looking at his feet until he heard the sound of the door shifting open. He lifted his eyes from his slip on sneakers and looked at Harry through his lashes.

"Hi." He whispered, blue eyes glistening like freshly smoothed ice on a rink.

"Hi." Harry whispered back, hands aching to pull Louis into his chest and cuddle him until they fell asleep.

But instead he reached for a milkshake and allowed Louis room to step inside their flat.

Sighing, Louis stepped in and slipped off his shoes. He left his baggy 'California' sweatshirt that Harry gave him on.

"Im sorry about earlier I was just stressed." Louis played with his finger anxiously, irises never leaving their wooden flooring.

Harry couldn't stand it anymore, he placed his milkshake on the granite kitchen counter beside Louis' and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist. Louis' eyes shot up from wood, where they had been previously studying the horizontal pattern.

"You're insane, babe. It's November and you got us milkshakes?" Harry pressed their foreheads together, feeling the dampness of Louis skin from the light rainfall outside.

Louis stayed silent, hands slowly creeping to the back of Harry's neck and playing with the hair at the nape of his neck before muttering a pair of words lost in the deep breaths they were taking "Kiss me".

+

“Hug!" Harry yells at the top of his lungs. “Hugs now.”

“Shut up,” Louis chuckles, slapping his hand over Harry’s mouth. “It’s two am. Get in my arms now and keep that huge mouth shut.”

Harry burrows into the space Louis makes for him at his side, humming contentedly when Louis tucks the blankets in around them. “Love me.” he mumbles into Louis’ shoulder.

“I do,.” Louis tells him, kissing his wet hair. He stretches out to turn off the light, and then he snuggles in with Harry.

He can feel him breathing. By now, he can't tell if Harry’s asleep or not from how he’s breathing, and as sleepy as he’s been, Harry doesn’t fall asleep. Louis doesn’t either. Harry’s given him so much to think about.

With the fight and the fact harry seems to not be angry at him. If Louis were Harry, he would be angry. But Harry's just /harry/ and will always forgive him, with his sweet strawberry and cupcakes smell and his warm aurora you can feel from a mile away.

+

The next day, Harry was happily trotting around the house, beaming with happiness as he thought of the date he and Louis had planned for later today.

They were going to go to dinner, then see the new 3D version of 'Titanic', and after that Harry had made some special arrangements for a boat ride under the stars. He had it planned out and he just couldn't wait.

"Gosh, Haz if you get any more happy this place is going to start oozing rainbows from the walls." Louis groaned, thinking it was way too early to be happy.

"Remember tonight?" Harry buzzed, intertwining their fingers and rubbing their noses together, loving he feeling of Louis soft skin pressed to his.

Louis frowned, "Haz, I have to go out with Eleanor tonight."

Harry's face lost all light to it, "What? But we've been planning this for months Louis."

"You know I wouldn't go unless I had to."

Harry sighed, "I know it's just I was really excited."

"Im sorry, princess." Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's neck and interlocked their lips.

+

The following weeks, Louis was out with Eleanor every day. Harry would sit at home, by himself and stay up extra late for Louis to get home.

Their conversation stayed vague and always ended with Louis drunkenly stumbling up the stairs into his room and muttering an 'I don't want to talk about it right now'.

Harry just wanted answers. It was early December now and the light snowfall from outside created a grey mood in the stylinson home as conversation started to lessen.

On an especially dreary morning, Harry was brewing himself a warm cup of coffee to heat up not only himself, but the air of the house around him too. He could feel the air stiffen when Louis and him neared each other and he /hated/ it.

"Hi, Harry." Louis spoke as he approached his keys, phone, and wallet.

"Louis- hey can you wait a sec?" Harry placed his still steaming cup down and headed towards Louis as he was about to head out.

"Where are you even going? You haven't stayed in for weeks."

"It's Eleanor, like I said. Modest wants me to spend more time with her-" Louis started his speech, sounding mildly annoyed.

"No, Louis it's not modest. They make you see her once every two months. This is all you." Harry's eyes tried to find answers in Louis', but he saw was a dark night blue that said nothing.

"You're changing. I don't like this new you."

"I'm changing for me, not for you." Louis shrugged his jacket on.

"Why are you changing?" Harry pressed.

"Look, I don't want to do this right now." Louis unlocked the door.

"Are you ever gonna want to do this? Because it seems like every time it comes up you don't want to." Harry reached for Louis arm, stopping him from fully leaving the room.

"Please. Just stay and talk." Harry pleaded with eyes, meadow green going stormy grey. For a split second, Louis seemed as if he was going to step in and confess. But then he shoved Harry off him, into the wall, a low bang echoing through the empty halls.

"I said I didn't want to do this right now." Louis snapped harshly, slamming the door.

Harry slid down the wall, back aching dully, nothing compared to the pain Louis was giving him. He buried his face into his knees and let himself go, tears slipping through the cracks of his fingers.

+

"You realize you purchased two tickets right kid?" The booth worker raised a mocking eyebrow.

"I know." Harry quickly grabbed both the tickets and headed inside, stomach empty from not eating anything at the restaurant he had previously been at, only picking at his food, any bites he took tasted bland and empty.

 

He anchored the small paddle boat and laid down on the soft peach colored blanket he had brought to the lake. Emotionless eyes gazing at the stars above him.

They shined bright, like Louis' eyes in the early morning. When outside was still hazy and inside was still blindingly innocent.

His fingers found their own pathway to his left pocket. Gripping hard around the black velvet material of the box as he silently slipped it out into the biting night air.

Lifting it into his view point, he popped open the top. A silver band was revealed. Plucking it from the stand, Harry traced his fingers over the hollow indent of the infinity sign connecting the 'L' and 'H' on the inside.

The ring burned icy cold through his fingers, spreading throughout his whole body. He threw the ring to his right and sat up abruptly.

Bringing his knees close to chest, he returned this gaze to the bright stars above him. Shaking out of his paralyzed state, he unanchored the paddle boat and picked up the oars, rowing back to shore.

He searched restlessly for the ring, finally finding it in the crevice of the corner, sighing with relief as it slipped into the box yet again. He traded the ring box for his phone in his pocket, clicking the screen to see the glowing numbers lighting up his face.

'1:13 am'

He was out later than he had originally planned, he had lost track of time out in the lake. But it didn't matter, no one was going to be at home waiting for him. He knew that much.

He also knew they had a signing tomorrow and he didn't want to worry his fans by looking ill and tired. He grabbed his keys. They clattered against each other as he walked towards his car.

 

Walking into the flat was dense. A low fog seemed to forever be stuck there, holding in all the good and bad memories. You couldn't see it, but you could feel it. All around you.

Harry shut the door and slowly shed his coat and shoes.

His eyes wandered around the flat, seeing no signs of Louis coming back from his previous exit. No note, no shoes, no coat, nothing.

He looked over to the hallway by the bathroom where they had their first 'Accidental' kiss.

He turned to the kitchen, where the counter laid. Holding the memory of Louis asking Harry to be his boyfriend, resulting in a snog on the counter.

He looked to the balcony across the living room and remembered how Louis made love to him under the stars so many months previous.

Harry's chest ached, the old memories now replaced with awkward eye contact and few words exchanged. His eyes glistened in the light moonlight from the slit opening the curtains had.

He didn't realize he was crying until he felt a tear hit his sleeve, dispersing into a small wet spot. Another followed, and then another, and before he knew it a choked sob filled up his throat and his feet carried him to not his but Louis' room. He collapsed onto the bed, burying his face into the plush pillow and screaming.

Curling up into a ball, he brought the comforter close to his face and inhaled Louis, tears stills on his face he cried himself to sleep.

+

Waking up alone was something different for Harry. It definitely wasn't something he wanted to get used to. He hated the other side being cold and clean, not warm and disheveled. He hated how when he turned to his side, it was empty and he knew that no one was showering or making breakfast.

He just hated being alone.

Dragging himself out of bed, he found his way to the bathroom, wincing when he saw his reflection in the mirror.

Deciding against a quick shower, he puttered downstairs.

As he popped some bread in the toaster, he heard the satisfying click of the front door shutting, lightly though. As if the person didn't want to be heard. Harry silently tiptoed to the front door, he saw a body shuffling around, grabbing things here and there.

"Louis?" He called out weakly

The figured jerked around vastly, blue met green and a low heaviness filled the air around them.

"Hi." Louis breathed out, turning his body to face Harry.

"Where'd you go last night?" Harry asked.

"Zayn's."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Harry took a good look at Louis. His hair was messy, like someone had ran their hands through it. His shirt was wrinkled, like it had spent the night on the floor in a pile. His zipper on his pants was down, and by the looks of it he wasn't wearing underwear. Harry's eyebrows furrowed, he knew what had actually happened. His eyes stung.

"You weren't at Zayn's were you?" Harry's words burned through the tense air.

"Harry-"

"Who was he?"

"Har-"

"Who was he?" Harry whispered.

Louis mumbled something under his breath.

"What?" Harry asked, looking up through his damp eye lashes.

"Eleanor." The word echoed through the house, slicing through Harry like a dagger. Louis shuffled his feet around, tapping his toes together until he sighed and looked up.

"I'm sorry." The words seemed empty, when they reached Harry's ears. But maybe everything was empty.

"Do you love her?" He finally asked.

"What..?"

"Do you love her?" Harry repeated, looking straight into Louis' blue eyes, not finding the usual sparkle in them.

"No- Harry, I love you and no one else." Louis stepped forward.

Harry pursed his lips, and nodded.

Louis shoved his shoes back on his feet.

"I'll be back" He said quietly. He began to open the door.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked, grabbing Louis' arm.

Louis' looked down at Harry's fingers digging into his bicep and his nostrils flared. “For a walk.” he snapped, jerking his arm out of Harry's grasp.

“A walk where? Up and down the corridor?” They both knew Louis wouldn’t be allowed out for long, they had a signing soon.

“The gym, then. I don’t know. Just not here.”

“Fine then. Go.” His voice was hard. Brittle.

Louis gave Harry a long look, then he turned without saying another word and left their suite. He didn’t slam the door, just let it go as he exited. It slowly swung closed until the soft click of the lock slipping into place sounded loud as a gunshot in the now quiet room.

Harry sank onto the edge of the couch and dropped his face into his hands, leaning over with his elbows resting on his knees. He rubbed his hands over his face, digging the heels into his eyes, then ran his fingers through his hair in agitated motions.

They were fighting more and more these days. Honestly, he couldn’t even remember what had started all of it. Was it really just Louis asking if it would be easier if they weren't dating? Harry didn't know, he shook his head and let his eyes flutter shut, calming it from all the craze it had flowing around it.

+

Hours after the signing, Louis still hadn’t returned. The anger had worn off and the melancholy had set in. Harry lay on the bed, drink in one hand, pillows propped up behind his back, the room illuminated by the flickering light of the television while he mindlessly flipped through the channels, stopping occasionally to watch a few minutes of a program before becoming bored and moving to the next one.

Right now a demonstration of a fancy candy machine was playing on some shopping network. Idly, Harry wondered if Louis would like something like that. He ate a lot of candy.

He checked his phone again, for the millionth time, but still no text from Louis It was late, must be after midnight. He was starting to wonder if Louis was even coming back.

There had once been a time when they hadn’t been able to go to sleep mad. They would always find each other and they’d make up, apologies lost in their mouths as they connected them. Clinging their hands together and whispering sweet nothings to each other.

What had changed? When did things become so bad that one of them had to spend the night alone with their tears?

He couldn't take it anymore. He hated not knowing. He also hated bringing the other boys into there fights but he needed to know Louis was okay.

To: Zayn

Hey mate, have you seen Louis? He hasn't come home yet.

Harry sat impatiently, tapping his fingers on his slick screen, making a little beat to help with his anxiety.

1 New Message: Zayn

Yeah man, he's here. I think he gonna crash here for the night. Sorry

'He's okay, he's okay, he's okay.' echoed through Harry's mind. His head made contact with the pillow as his eyes closed abruptly.

He laid awake most of the night, the cold spot next to him itching at his skin.

+

"Morning!" Niall cheered as Harry slipped into their tour bus.

"Someone's happy for 5 am." Harry grumbled, throwing his red duffel bag on a top bunk.

"We're going on tour Harry, a world tour." Niall scoffed.

"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact it's bloody 5 in the morning." Harry hitched himself up to his bunk, settling things. Placing his bag in the bottom left corner, opening the small window, and placing his phone on the tiny windowsill under it.

"All done?" Niall impatiently asked, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Nodding, Harry quickly began to pull his shoes off, when he heard a voice.

"It was bloody ridiculous!" A slightly higher pitched voice exclaimed, and three sets of laughter followed. A dull ache filled Harry's chest as he wished he could be a part of the laughter. His eyes lingered over to Louis, taking in his beauty.

Louis slowly looked up. The moment their eyes met, a silence filled the air. The thick, hazy feeling that Harry had been trying to run from returned and everything seemed awkward.

Harry turned his attention back to his shoes, pulling them off and placing them neatly on top of his bag.

 

"Is everything okay between you guys?" Niall whispered into his ear.

Harry turned his face over to him and started to nod. But then he felt a certain pair of blue eyes staring at him from across the room and shook his head no. Nothing was alright between them.

"What happened?"

Harry's face fell and he went pale. It hadn't really hit him, but Louis had cheated on him. He had sex with another person while he and Harry were still together. And that person was his fake girlfriend.

"Hey, Harry are you okay? You look like you're gonna be sick." A concerned look drew over Liam's face, everyone else turned their attention to Harry at Liam's statement. Putting a glaze of sweat over his palms.

"Yeah, yeah, just a little tired and nervous for tomorrow. I think I'm gonna head to bed right now, actually." Harry offered a small smile, and sat up. Stretching, he headed to  
his bunk to grab some sweats to change into and then lie down.

As he started to walk out, he felt eyes burning holes into his back, and the soft patter of feet following him.

"So are you going to tell me?" Niall prodded, shoving Harry up into his bunk, quickly following him. They sat up in Harry's bunk. Niall with his legs criss crossed, and Harry hugging his knees to his chest

Harry shrugged, "It's kinda dumb how it started."

Niall rolled his eyes, "Doesn't matter! I want all the juicy gossip." he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Harry smiled slightly.

"I guess it started with Louis saying something to me like, 'Do you ever wonder if it would be easier if we just broke up?' and me being me, I took it to seriously and thought he wanted to break up. The morning things were- I don't know - different I guess. I asked him if he was unhappy with our relationship, and next thing I knew he was leaving with the words 'Maybe we should break up' He came back with milk shakes and we made up-"

"Did you guys have make up sex?"  
Niall giggled.

"No, we cuddled Niall" Harry laughed, "Anyways, after that he started spending everyday with Eleanor, and not coming home until late. He would be drunk, and I couldn't get him to talk. Then we had our date planned out, and I had gotten him a promise ring-"

Nialls jaw dropped, "A promise ring? And I didn't know?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise" Harry shrugged "Stop interrupting you twat"

"But he ditched me. He blew me off-"

Niall giggled.

"Niall." Harry strained

"Sorry, sorry continue."

"He blew me off for Eleanor. When I saw him before he left, he might've accidentally pushed me into the wall? I have some bruises but I'm okay. And then I went on the day by myself, and when I got back he wasn't home. Then he got home in the morning and um- he had sex with Eleanor." Harry choked out, a dry sob stuck in his throat.

"Harry- I, I'm sorry." Niall opened his arms and Harry fell into them instantly. His tears stained Nialls shirt as he sobbed into his shoulder.

If only they had noticed the figure listening in the doorway the whole time, a tear escaping their eye too.

+

A noise woke Harry sometime during the night. He lay blinking in the darkness, disoriented, his brain groggy from sleep.

He felt the bed dip and then a waft of cool air as the covers were lifted, then a body was sliding in behind him, warm arm draping over his waist, pulling him back against a broad chest. He felt a nose nuzzling into the hair at the back of his head, soft lips pressing against his neck. Harry covered the arm over his side with his own and laced their fingers together.

Moving backward into the embrace, fitting their bodies together familiarly, he slid his toes between the calves against his feet and hooked an ankle around one. “Louis?” he asked, memories of their earlier fight rushing back.

“I’m sorry,” Louis mouthed against the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

Harry gave a little nod, not yet trusting himself to speak. He tugged Louis' arm closer around him and squeezed his hand tightly.

They lay quietly, not speaking, the beat of Louis' heart strong against Harry's back. Eventually, Harry flipped so he was facing Louis, and snuggled into his chest.

“I love you,” Louis whispered against his skin, chest aching. Harry was so happy louis had came into his bed. Then he wound their fingers back together, pressing their joined hands over his heart. His pulse was racing. Was this the end of there small turf war? He nuzzled his face back into Louis' chest and let himself finally get a good nights rest for the first time in what felt like weeks.

+

Harry's eyes slowly opened, images from last night fluttered through his mind. He smiled and snuggled backwards, only to find a cold wall. Sitting up he groggily looked around, rubbing his eyes

"Lou?" He blinked three times and looked around. Shrugging silently to himself he hopped down from his top bunk and made his way to the front of the bus, where voices chattered.

"Hey, sleepy head." Niall teased, legs kicked up on the small coffee table.

"Shut up, I don't see Zayn anywhere. He's probably still sleeping too." Harry sat down on the plush red couch, his eyes scanned around him. Liam and Niall sat on the love seat across him, two steaming teas in front of them next to Niall's foot.

"Where's Louis?" He finally asked, the only question that's been on his mind since he woke up alone.

"Out. Said he needed to grab some things before the concert tonight." Liam explained, picking up the remote and turning on the Manchester United game.

"O2 arena tonight, woohoo."

+

"Good evening London!" Liam's voice boomed through the speakers, echoing throughout the arena.

"How are you feeling tonight?" Screams shot up.

"Our first song is called up all night. Sing along if you know the words."

The beginning beats started, Harry's eyes trailed over to Louis. He was dressed in a plain navy blue t-shirt and a grey acid wash jean jacket. His hair was up in quiff. Harry quickly shook out of his trance, which would probably be everywhere by the end of the night, as his solo came on.

"Katy Perry's on replay, she's on replay...."

 

After the concert, Louis seemed to have wandered off somewhere. Liam had headed to the gym to relive beginning tour stress. Zayn had gone to visit Perrie. Leaving only Niall and Harry on the tour bus .

Harry stumbled into his grey sweats he loved like warm sunny days. He threw a beanie over his head, not bothering to style it in anyway.

"So what we watching?" Niall chucked the remote towards him

"Not sure." Harry surfed through the channels. Lazily seeing if anything was on, he finally settled on some re-runs of Friends.

His mind was elsewhere though. His heart burned for some unknown reason and he just really wanted to hug Louis, shower him with kisses, make him smile wide and bright like the sun. Wanted to run his hands all over his glowing tanned skin and feel him. Wanted to love him and make him knew he was his.

"Harry? You still here?" Niall chuckled, moving his hand in front of Harry's face.

"Yeah, yeah sorry I blacked out for a bit. Sorry mate."

"Harry....." Niall trailed off, scooting over closer to him, "What's up?"

"Nothing." Harry said, avoiding eye contact.

"Don't lie, at least not to me."

"I....I just don't understand what Louis trying to accomplish lately." Harry sheepishly replied, eyes trained on his socked his feet.

"Maybe he doesn't mean to hurt you. It wouldn't make sense if he was, considering how much he loves you."

Harry blushed at that statement.

"Everyone's a little confused about Louis right now, even Louis himself. I wouldn't worry about it too much Harry." Niall patted his shoulder, reassuring him. Then turning his attention back to Friends.

Harry smiled, pulling a blanket up from the top of the couch and snuggling into it as he felt much much better than he had before.

At least for a few more hours.

+

The stars were high up in the sky by the time Niall and Harry decided to go bed.

Harry shimmied out of the blanket and stood up. Stretching out his arms, he heard a satisfying crack as back his popped. He looked down to see Niall pulling out his phone.

"You coming to bed, Nialler?"

"Yeah in a sec, just checking twitter real fast."

Harry puttered to the hall ,where their beds were kept, and jumped up onto his. He settled in and clicked on his phone , quickly typing in the passcode. He tapped on the twitter app and waited for it to load, cuddling his feet under the covers and settling himself into the bed.

When it had finally loaded, he was shocked. His twitter had completely blown up. He went to his mentions, and his eyes widened.

'Larrygetsome: @harry_styles are you aware of the beards presence today? pic/twitter72529628'

'Elounorcookies: told you elounor was real! @harry_styles or @louis_tomlinson are not gay pic/twitter6285285'

The picture displayed a blurry but clear enough view of Louis and Eleanor kissing. Not only kissing, but their tongues were shoved up into each other's mouths, and he had his hands tangled in her hair, like he usually had in Harry's.

He dropped his phone to the ground, he faintly heard it hit the hard carpet. His vision blurred as he stumbled off his bed and in the direction of the bathroom.

When he finally made it he slammed the door shut and placed his hands over the counter, breathing deeply as his sight slowly stopped spinning. Slowly he lifted his head to see his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were red rimmed and damp, a deep grey color had swallowed the original green shade. He had bruise purple bags under his eyes, and his flushed cheeks had tear stains. He looked weak and he hated it.

He slid back down the counter, burying his face into his hands as he felt more tears filling over the brim of his eyes. His breathing become shaky, and sobs filled his throat.

/he doesn't love me/ he thought

/he doesn't love me/ he repeated again and again and again. Until he had enough, and shakily reached for his travel bag on top of the sink. His breathing was tagged as his hands almost dropped the item from their intense quivering.

He ran his trembling finger over the cool metal, then banged it against the counter. The blade fell out and a sick smile filled Harry's face. He teased it over his pale skin, before digging deeply into the vein, blood bubbled and seeped out, slipping down and dropping onto the floor, he inhaled sharply before sliding it across again and again.

+

Niall was worried about the sake of Harry ever since Louis started acting up. But never had he been as worried as he was now. Seeing Louis kiss Eleanor like that was something Harry should never have to experience. But sadly people are unacceptable and they had to go through this.

Niall knew for a fact Louis and Eleanor had not been required to kiss or see each other today. Whenever they were, management would hold a meeting to say so.

So he was currently pissed at Louis, but that didn't matter. He got up to go and tell Harry that nothing was going on on twitter, and to just go to sleep.

But when he found a disheveled bed and Harry's phone glowing with the picture, and a locked bathroom door with a glowing light underneath his panick went into over drive and started pounding on the door

+

Harry heard him coming before he heard him pounding.

And to his luck, he had cleaned up his wrist and the floor and put everything back to normal. So when Niall started the pounding, he sat up and opened the door.

He stood there with a look of pure innocence over his face. Eyes glinting in the flickering bathroom light and suddenly felt himself being pulled into a tight hug.

Niall's arms were warm and comforting around him, so he gladly accepted the hug and wrapped his arms tightly around him, scared he was going to fade away. He started to cry again, sobbing and biting into Nialls clothed shoulder.

"Shhhh, Calm down, I'm not going anywhere." Niall soothed as Harry shook with sobs.

"I'm not going anywhere , shhh I'm staying right now."

+

"What is your problem?" Niall growled, as Louis silently slipped into the tour bus.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Louis slid off his shoes and hung up his jacket.

"Yeah you do, the pictures are everywhere. Did you really expect harry not to see them?"

Louis visibly cringed, "He saw them?"

Niall sighed, sitting on the couch and balancing his arms on his knees as placed his hand on his forehead.

"Yeah, yeah he did."

"Is he okay?" Louis sat next to him.

"I don't know, you tell me. He cried for 2 hours before he finally fell asleep."

"I-" Louis started.

"Save it for someone who'll believe you. Figure yourself out, Louis." Niall spat as he left the room to sleep.

 

A little later, Louis slid into Harry's bunk.

"Nrgh" The younger boy mumbled in his pillow turning around weakly.

"Shhh shh, baby it's just me." Louis cooed into his ear.

"Lou? W-we need to talk" Harry began to sit up.

"Shh, baby in the morning, get some sleep."

Harry stilled for a moment before obliging and cuddling back into Louis, enjoying the warmth radiating off him.

+

When the sun peaked through the bus window, Harry wasn't surprised to find the bed was empty. Louis had fled, like always. Harry stretched and yawned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He hopped down from his bed and popped his toes on the rough material.

His footsteps seemed to be echoing off the walls and surrounding him. "Anyone in here?" He called out, head peaking into the main room. Empty.

He spun back around in search for his phone, wondering if anyone had texted him about their where-a-bouts, when he felt warm arms wrap around his chest.

He snuggled back into them, relishing the familiar feeling of comfort and calmness. The boy behind him planted wet and sloppy kisses on his eyes and down his neck, causing Harry to shiver slightly.

Louis spun him around and pressed their foreheads together. Harry's face glowed with a smile, his dimples deep and prominent. Louis shone bright like a sun, because he was Harry's sunshine.

"We have the bus to ourselves, baby." Louis whispered despite how they were alone and could be as loud as necessary.

Shivering at his tone, Harry had to force himself physically to not react to his behavior. Louis' fingers inched their way down lower than their previous resting in his hipbones.

"Babe? Can we just cuddle and watch some movies today? I'm not feeling too well." Louis' froze and his fingers loosened their previous grip sinfully close to his crotch. But he regained his composure quickly, acting as nothing had happened.

"Course darling. Anything for my princess." He nibbled at his ear, throwing his arm under Harry's legs and hoisting him up into a bridal style carry over to the couch.

Harry made grabby hands at Louis as he got up to get a blanket, a cute pouty lip jutting out. Louis smiled so fondly and hurried back to the couch. He sat right next to him, but not tangling their legs and not letting Harry snuggle his face into his neck.

There once was a time where there was harryandlouis or louisandharry with no in-between or spaces. But then it became Harry or Louis. Now, it seemed like that distinction was more prominent then ever.

"Come snuggle" Harry scooted closer to Louis, bringing the blanket with him that Louis had previously laid on him.

Louis looked at him with such bright smile and such a fondfondfond look on his face that Harry could not help himself from attacking those pretty little lips and letting his hands explore all over not missing a single piece of skin. As if he was mapping him out, as if he would never see him again. Never feel him again.

Louis responded feverishly, gripping Harry's hips hard and leaving small half moon marks from his fingernails. He slid his hands up further and slid the shirt off in one pull.

"Off." Harry motioned at Louis, who lifted his arms up quickly. Then their chests were together and everything was warm and all Harry saw was sunshine and all he felt was the heat radiating from it.

"I want you to make love to me.”

For a while the Doncaster boy just stared, lips slightly parted and puffy from all the kisses and his pupils so wide that his eyes barely showed any of the sea foam blue. Then he had Harry’s lower lip in between his own lips again, kissing him softer than before, his own way to signal his answer which was yes, yes, yes.

If only Harry had known that would be the last good day.

+

When the sun had set and the stars had risen Harry woke up cold and alone. He looked around for a disorientated minute, before thoughts of the previous event filled his mind. He smiled sheepishly (Louis' golden skin, everywhere. Harry's thighs wrapped around his waist pushing him deeper, deeper.) Then his smiled faded as he realized Louis was no where to be found.

He stood slowly, mildly waddling to his phone. His wrist flicked the door and a burning spread through his arm. He cursed under his breath and shook it out before reaching for his phone.

1 New message: Niall

hey mate, how u holdin' up with the news? we'll be back in a bit. stay strong

Harry squinted, making sure he read it right. He went on twitter and saw the trends

#eatacheeseburgersavealife  
#donationsformileystongueissue  
#twerkjonasbrothers  
#humpadishwasher  
#louischeatsoneleanor  
#corbinwhyareyoydancing  
#thor

He thumb pressed hard on the "Louis cheats on Eleanor". Had they leaked something of them? They were careful weren't they?

Post blew up his phone, all different pictures and proof. The boys had gone to a club while Harry slept, and they're many of just them dancing drunkenly. Then they got more and more bad. Many of Louis grinding with a blonde wearing a dress short as a shirt, and tighter than her own skin. He had dance with her  
, and then they had disappeared I to the bathroom. Someone had taken a picture of Louis kissing her and shoving his hands down her shirt, then they had gotten into a car and driven off.

Harry shivered, tears burned his eyes, and spilled over the brims.

Through his tears, Harry started to laugh. He felt silly about it, crying and laughing, but for once he finally felt like his struggle was over. There was solace in his laughter; he wouldn’t have to impress anyone anymore. Harry wouldn’t have to deal with rejection and all the pain that came with it. He wouldn’t feel anything because he’d be gone.

He had saw it coming - anyone could have seen it coming. All the separation and pain and tears and telling and fighting. Everyone had seen how they had been slowly fading. Like scars on a wrist, the more that show up, the more the older ones fade.

It's like his brain had been lied to, all the I love you's and forevers that had been shared. All the plans for the future and for them. Them, was there even a 'them' anymore? He dryly laughed more, how long had there not been a them? He could've left one day and Louis' wouldn't even of blinked.

Just like a snowflake, Harry thought. He could just drift away and melt, no memories of himself left. No one would remember Harry; his existence would be wiped from the face of the Earth. Everything would be much better without him, and there wouldn’t be any more pain. There would be no pain because Harry wouldn’t be around to cause it.

He caused this, didn't he? It was all his fault Louis was pushed to such extremes to get rid of him. He had trapped him in this relationship and wouldn't let go of his one and only that Louis had to do this, just to get rid of him. Nobody wanted him, he needed to get rid of himself.

Well it worked, Harry dryly thought. His mind was blank, throat croaky, face damp, eyes red, wrists itching, stomach swirling like the sea of Louis' eyes.

Louis, oh Louis. His darling, his prince, his baby, his happiness, his heart, his lover, his best friend, his soul mate, his sunshine. The way he looked all snuggled in the morning, hair tasseled and greasy. The way he looked after a concert, gleaming with joy and his shirt stuck to his chest.

Blades, blood, Blonde. Blades, Blood, Blonde.

The words echoed in his head as his vision spun. He couldn't function, he felt drunk but sober as ever. The pain hit him like a train smashing into his bones. Crushing every single one but leaving him alive to suffer.

He dizzily made his way to the bathroom and threw open the cabinet over the the white sink.

Blades, Blood, Blonde.

He smiled as the small gripped in his hand, he gripped it hard, it dug into his hand, burying itself deep inside and drawing out that beautiful red substance.

Blades, Blood, Blonde.

The pain was so familiar, so refreshing, he sighed as he opened his palm and it slipped from his skin, lightly tracing over his pale skin. He laughed, threw his head back.

"Is this what you wanted Louis?" He deliriously spoke to the hallway.

He sat there, almost expecting a reply. The more he had told himself he was happy, the more he was feeling alone. He had spent every hour just going through the motions and now he was dry as a bone.

Harry wished he was a snowflake, here one moment. Everyone appreciating his beauty and uniqueness. Then gone the next, and no one missed him or thought about him.

Blades, Blood, Blonde.

He heard the door to the bus open and slammed shut with force, making his spinning head spin faster faster like a pinwheel in the wind.

"LOUIS! WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS YOU INCONSIDERATE TWAT" He heard such a sweet, familiar voice call. Liam, sweet puppy Liam.

The lovely sound of glass shattering filled his throbbing ears. He smiled at the sound, imagine the glass running across his thighs as blood poured down.

"Breaking things isn't gonna fix a broken boy." Zayn mumbled low and quiet. Almost soundless under all the commotion. Harry stood shakily. Wiping him blood dripping palm across his free sweatpants. Leaving a large smear of pain as a forger reminder of this night.

He stumbled out, down the hallway (has it always been this long?) and into the living room space (had it always been this small). Where he found shattered remains of his phone, the imagines still slightly visible through the cracks.

That described Louis and his relationship right now. So many cracks the main picture is barely see able, buts there. It's there and it's real and it's true. but it's dying, dying out fast and faster as this night continues.

Everyone looked at him when he entered, everyone. Liam's hard eyes turned soft, Niall had rain drops in his eyes sky, Zayn showing no emotional but a cold hard stare. And Louis' face emotionless but eyes going through so many they were blazing. That sea was witnessing such a storm, Harry would love to live on that island. Feel the pain rip through his open chest.

"As much as I love the looks, I'd love some words here"

"I didn't think- I didn't mean- for you to see that." Louis stumbled out his words, like falling down a endless staircase.

"You lead me to believe you didn't love me, and I do. I do believe that."

"I honestly thought this was right- that - that ruining what we had- what we are - were" Louis stopped, mind mixing and plotting sentences he couldn't fit together.

"Honesty? Are we talking about truth now? This weeks truth, or last weeks truth. The "I care about you" or the "get out of my life" But you know what the truth is? Hiding didn't ruin our relationship and neither did she. It was you." Harry was gone, gone like the wind. And done, done like the burnt crisps of a left over meal. Just gone and done and broken and unable to be fixed.

"I was ready, so damn ready to be done with her. I had to get rid of her naturally, and cheating was the o-only way I could think of. I-"

"Just because you were ready for this doesn't I am. Relationships are about communication babe. And that's one of the many things we lacked yet needed" Harry shot out before Louis could even finish. He didn't need any mushy apologies, he didn't want those.

"Don't put all this on me, don't you dare. None of this would have happened if you wouldn't of made it so obvious we were dating. Then I wouldn't had to have deal with her or you." Louis spat. Words like guns, sentences like the triggers.

"I need to be with someone who knows what he wants, and that's never been you." Harry's eyes found themselves wet, his hand red and gooey, heart heavy and broken split across his chest.

"I'm done Harry, with you, with her, with this. Done with fame, done with judgment, done with everything. Don't call me, don't text me, don't contact me. Let me slowly fade from you. Let me disappear. I'm so sorry, princess." A stray tear fell and joined the millions of others.

Harry then realized, no matter what he had put him through, he needed Louis. He needed Louis like air, like food, like water. He needed him here or there was no Harry Styles. There was a man with no name or purpose.

"I don't want you to leave." Harry cried, not caring at how weak he sounded, he dropped to his knees.

Louis kneeled down, and kissed his lips slowly and languidly. He traced his fingers down his jaw, memorizing, memorizing. Harry placed his hand on Louis' heart, feeling it, living for it. Louis' point was clear, he was putting all his feelings into this kiss. The last kiss. He whispered "I love you." into his mouth, breathing it down his throat. Sinking it into his chest. Then Louis stood up, and closed his eyes.

"I don't want to stay." His words dispersed into the cold air of the night. Everyone was silent as he walked right out of the bus. No one went after him, until he did.

Harry's chest was heavy and pained and he didn't have any air and he didn't have any body. He was spinning and dizzy and hurt and broken but he needed him, he needed his Louis, his sunshine. He wanted there to be harryandlouis again. He wanted to wake up to sunshine and hugs and tea and fall asleep after making love and watching movies. He wanted it, he needed it, he craved it, he needed it.

He ran, and saw him "Louis, Louis please." He rasped out. Lungs failing him in his state of weakness. His hand was dripping and oozing blood now. His legs were burning, his heart leaking from his body.

"Louis, I love you. I need you. I want you. Please come back." His vision was splotching. "Hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines. And it's a beautiful day. And something reminds you. You wish you had stayed. You can plan for a change in weather and time. But I never planned on you changing your mind."

He sung, words slurring into the night. The wind pierced his cheeks as his eyes fluttered, he laid there, delirious. Thinking of the times they had spent a whole day in bed or counting the times they had made love on their kitchen counter.

"I don't wanna live in a world without you." He whispered as he shut his eyes. His ears ringing under the stars, barely making out the screams down the street.

**Author's Note:**

> no Harry's not dead


End file.
